"In My Secret Life" by Leonard Cohen

Note: This post consists of me pontificating. You can go right to the song linked below if you want to be spared my musings. It's a great song even without my "notes."

The previous song in this playlist was tough. One of the challenges of living life is that you have two options when facing a mess, especially one you've played a significant part in creating. You can dig into the mess and learn the lessons that always exist there. Or you can blame it on someone else or on the world we live in.

The first solution is often really hard. It requires you to learn lessons you have avoided or in my case, way too many times, didn't even know you had to learn. And often making amends for the damage you've caused.

Even when the situation is relational, it is highly likely you did damage you didn't even know you were doing. AND you have to learn these lessons and make amends even if the other parties have no interest in engaging. Oh, and you can't wait for apologies or amends from the other parties, no matter how egregious their actions.

Let me be clear. Learning lessons is never a case of continuing to allow yourself to be abused, physically or otherwise. Sometimes the lesson to be learned is "RUN!" When that's the lesson, get safe and then engage in the self-reflection necessary for YOUR growth.

When you begin this process, another lesson you'll need to learn is the difference between blame and responsibility. Here's the deal, even if you're demonstrably not to blame, the situation you find yourself in is now absolutely your responsibility. From the point that you begin the healing process, it is your responsibility to take the steps you need to heal. Knights on white horses are not coming to bail you out of this learning process.

This may require you to find resources to help you work through this process because it is not something we are usually taught growing up, at least it certainly wasn't in my upbringing. You may need a neutral third party help you see what you can't see on your own.

When I first heard this Leonard Cohen song it resonated deeply. Part of this hidden life is "pretending not to know" the situation you're in. After all, most times, shame is involved. So rather than deal with your life as it is, you just look the other way, pretending you're ok.

It turns out that I was so deep in this morass that it took several large 2X4s whacking me between my eyes for me to finally pay attention. (I'll spare you the story of the stubborn mule.) When I finally faced the mess that I'd helped make, I was able to take responsibility, find the help I needed and work my way out.