Of Babies and Their Bathwater

"Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!"

This is an intriguing aphorism crafted to keep you from throwing out the good with the bad.

It’s a very interesting and useful concept, especially if you are bathing babies!  Beyond that, I think it has limited usefulness.  More often it is code for this inversion of another famous aphorism, “I want to have my cake and eat it, too!”

Usually, DTTBOWTB is used when someone is about to walk away, completely, from some system that another person has been unable to let go of or sees great value in.  An example would be someone abandoning the concept of Christmas.  

In a fit of pique about the commercialism of Christmas, I decide to throw in the towel on the whole concept.  I announce this decision to family and friends and am immediately assaulted with entreaties to not make this drastic decision.

“But what about the Christmas tree?  You love decorating the tree” says one family member.  “What about Christmas carols? You start playing them in October, for goodness sake!” says another.  And the clincher (as one astute family member looks at a drastic reduction in Christmas gifts received if everyone adopts this viewpoint), “Well, I see your point, but you don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater!”

This idea has been shared with me many times as I’ve wrestled with my spiritual worldview.  “You don’t have to reject God just because of somebody else’s sick view of what God is.  We know better now!”  or  “My God is expansive enough to allow me to live the kind of life I want to live (which, by the way, usually includes activities banned by religious organization they are associated with) and still have the comfort of God in my life.”

Let me be clear. I don’t have a problem with this viewpoint.  In fact, it is a very useful strategy for many whose total abandonment of their religious upbringing and worldview would cause pain and stress in the lives of friends and family and, most of all, in their own lives.

In fact, occasionally, I will bow my head when a prayer is offered (and even recite the blessing for the food!), refrain from drinking at a family dinner out or censor my language in order not to cause offense to older or more devout members of my family.  But as a life strategy, I find DTTBOWTB generally lacking in integrity as a pattern for living life.  More often than not it is a rationale for not committing to what you really believe or really want.

Sometimes, to get square with life, you have to make sure both the baby and the bathwater are gone for good!  An example?  Alcoholics Anonymous.  You will never see or hear in an AA meeting, the idea that you shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.  In fact, the opposite is true!  The only way to commit to sobriety is to be completely, without exception or reservation, sober.

In fact, in order to sort out what I actually believed and what I didn’t, I started from scratch and began working through my entire belief system.  

For a while, this caused a great deal of concern and fear in many I loved and cared about.  But it was the price I had to pay for having chosen the “safe” way in my youth.  The payoffs in approval then were huge.  The downside was that I had to adolesce, making the stupid mistakes I should have made at 16 or 17, at 45.  And it wasn’t a pretty sight.

At first, this was along the line of “I’ve had it!  I’m not putting up with this crap any longer!  You promised me it would work!  It doesn’t! I’m outta here!”

Later, with some help and training from valued coaches, the process became more quiet and deliberate and, ultimately, more devastating to my initial belief system.

This process happened over several years.  One by one (as I identified them) I sorted my beliefs into two categories, those that I had purposely chosen and those that I had simply adopted due to my upbringing and which I had accepted as true “just because.”  (It's often called indoctrination.) Some of these indoctrinated beliefs turned out to be very reasonable and helpful and I kept them.  Many others were clearly useful only for keeping me fearful and compliant to a system of belief and control I no longer accepted.

Interestingly enough, this is an ongoing process.  When I find myself fearful or angry, especially when those feelings are in danger of overwhelming me, I stop and look for the belief that is generating these intense emotions.  Both emotions are designed to protect us from harm and danger, so they can’t be dismissed without evaluation.  I’m not referring here to life-threatening situations.  I’m referring to the cold sweat and cold fury generated in the course of living life.  If a bus is bearing down on you, get the hell out of the way!

But many times, in fact, most times, I discover that I’m merely reacting to an indoctrinated belief I missed in my inventory.  I then go through a process I’ve learned to “unbelieve” that belief.  (Sounds strange, I know, but it is a simple, effective and repeatable process.)

The criteria for accepting or rejecting a belief is simple and straightforward.  Does holding this belief, regardless of its origin, make me more a loving, compassionate person and happier in my life and relationships?

Here’s the cool thing and I love this.  With this mindset about life, one can experiment with beliefs and their results.  For example, here’s a belief, “No matter what age I am, I can still learn whatever I want to learn.”  That one I’ve played with and I love it! (BTW, having written this essay 20+ years ago, I'm still intentionally learning! From playing the baritone horn to learning the intricacies of this web hosting site.)

Back to the point.  I had a dear friend and mentor who used to coach me with this statement

“Committing a hundred percent is easy. Committing ninety-nine percent is a bitch!”

In order to succeed and grow in your life, you have to occasionally throw the baby out with the bathwater. Those limiting beliefs have to go! Habitually sitting on the fence just causes hemorrhoids.