On Being a Dad

Other than having what I consider a better than average Silent Generation father, there's not much to say about my dad. He was smart, artistic and hardworking. And most of all, my siblings and I knew we were loved.

My dad wasn't perfect. He never once said "I'm sorry" about anything. He would go out of his way to make amends in other ways but I was well into my 50s before I heard those words from him.Despite that rather modest hiccup, it turns out, based on discussions with several of my cohorts in the Baby Boom Generation, I was deeply blessed. 

40+ years ago, I began my fathering career. I was quite sure I was not going to be perfect and I was right! I'll spare you the details, but when I screwed up, I made a point to apologize! Turns out my lack of patience tripped me up often enough that the boys had to listen to "I'm sorry" far more than they should have.

I loved being a dad. Probably one of the most joyous times was singing the boys to sleep, especially when they were infants and toddlers. And later, there were hours of reading, occasionally turning entire kids books into a giant spoonerism that had us howling with laughter. Even when the books became so familiar that they knew them by heart, they still wanted me to read them.

It turns out there were several songs that made a deep impression on this fathering philosophy of mine. The first one, "Cats in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin, was released in 1974 while I was in college. It immediately nailed me. Silent Generation dads could be great dads but they often seemed to struggle being emotionally present. They were great providers but it was often up to our moms to tell us why our dads were the way they were. Harry Chapin summed it up perfectly.

The next song always kicked my butt for another reason. I had friends whose parents had divorced and despite the best efforts of the divorced parents, the process always left a mark, sometimes wounds that would take decades to heal.I determined I NEVER wanted to have this conversation with my boys. And, thanks to some hard work and not a little good fortune, I never had to.

The first time I heard this last song, I was driving on a freeway and I had to find a place to pull over because I couldn't see clearly for all the tears in my eyes. As I mentioned above, my dad had a flat spot or two but I ALWAYS felt loved. I was overwhelmed with gratitude, again, because I had friends who were not so fortunate.I had grown up in a system where we were taught that God loved us right up until we pissed him off. In fact, before we had kids, I volunteered to teach a class at our church's summer Vacation Bible School. The article I was given to read ended with this thought, "And if you are a good boy or girl, Jesus will love you." 

Even then, while being a devout enough church member to lead a class at Vacation Bible School, I knew that sentence was evil. I refused to read it. It raised some eyebrows and I wasn't asked to "help" again.

This song clearly blows away the idea of a transactional God. And, it moved me to tears because I actually had a dad who had practiced "Love Without End."